Making It Work

It's mostly just me talking...to myself. It's cheaper than therapy and safer than leaving a diary hanging around the house. I will try really hard to not be whiny or boring but no promises. I can be a real slug. pregnancy week by week

Friday, October 20, 2006

it is what it is

i have longed to put my feelings and thoughts done for you to read, for anyone to read. but i feel like the last 10, 20, 30 years of my life are just so frightful. so disappointing. so full of hurt and i revel that even now, i go on. i go on to live everyday just like the rest of us. i know my life is not unbearable. i know i am better off than some, not most, but some. but yet, still, i am saddened at its outcome. somehow along the way, in your own fantasy, we plan a life for ourselves. and most of us don't set down a plan, but we just hope that we will find our way to our destiny. the destiny that is synonymous with our fantasy life. it is disheartening, to say the least, when you take a check and realize, that not only are you living a fantasy in your head, but that the fantasy is so far out of reach, you are embarrased. you feel crazy for ever thinking such things. and then you realize what is at arms length. and its not at all lovely. its just like everyone else. work. bills. responsibility. heart ache. tough decisions. child rearing. failure. success. loss. death. and every day someone or something, breaks a little peice of your fantasy away. its not fair but it is what it is.

posted by Kerry @ 10:38 PM  

3 Comments:

  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger Metro said…

    Sorry to hear ... what, exactly? Things are clearly not making you happy of late.

    You sound so unhappy. In fact, that I feel compelled to offer you some aphorism:

    Fantasy is inviolate. It's only when you stop dreaming of something better, for yourself or the world, that you lose out.

    "Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you. If you don't bet, you can't win."
    --Heinlein, I think.

    I hope you'll keep revelling in your going on. This world is so foolishly, impossibly difficult, such an assasin of hope, murderer of dreams, that getting up in the morning constitutes a victory.

    This being Saturday, and myself being up, I declare victory! Are you up yet?

    Now I'm going to get to all those stupid little jobs I've been desperately ignoring all week.

    Sure I am. Yeah.

     

  • At 8:53 AM, Blogger Kerry said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     

  • At 8:57 AM, Blogger Kerry said…

    my daughters dad has been calling me after three years. it has brought back a lot of anger, sadness, regret, disappointment. i am so mad that i had to raise this child with no help for the last ten years. and i am so sad that i now know that i can never have another child because i can never go through this again. and really that makes me really sad. beyond. and i am back on my blue rodeo diet. this is music from my lonely girl times. when i would sit in my laundry/computer room and drink tea and smoke and listen to my music. i have posted this before. blue rodeo does something to me. its like they are the only that that knows me. the only thing that is really true to me. i am lost. i am lost. i am lost. i know i will find my way out of here but i also know that i will probably be back

     

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