i hear ya fergie

When the black eyed peas ask, "where is the love?" i really have to agree. two weeks into co-habitation and we may as well have been married for fifty years. Not too much romance going on over here. we are like two ships passing in the winds. we watch different tv progams so that means different rooms. i go to sleep at 11 and he at 12. i go out on friday nights and he goes out on saturdays. i shower in the morning, he showers at night. i saw him in the kitchen the other day and everyone was cordial.

we have incorporated family dinner, at the table, no tv. pretty much its the most difficult thing i have ever done. me and the kid have built a long standing tradition of eating at the coffee table and watching as much tv as possible. we will bend our traditions...temporarily, until we convince him that the table is lame, couch is good.

i dont really know what i expected. the help with rent is nice but there is really just more laundry, i have to cook dinner every night, when i just want quiet time to myself i get accused of being in a bad mood, and now there are usually boys here playing xbox or poker.

who's idea was this again?

pursuit of happyness

there is a really interesting line in that movie. will smith is pondering about his life and looks down at a nickle and thinks about the famous phrase from the US Declaration of Independance "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." the fact that the word pursuit is snuck in before happiness is so telling. i mean really, maybe you can never actually have happiness, only the chase. man, men must love that.

so today is love day. it makes me uncomfortable. i read every card at london drugs. they were either too lovey or too slighted. i got one that i havent given Darin yet. now that i have the card at home it seems unappropriate. the front has candy hearts on it and it says: Valentine Truth: No one actually likes the candy hearts, but we'd miss them if they weren't there. The inside says: Celebrate traditions.

okay so first i was thinking thats funny, i could say: i'd miss you if you werent here but that may imply that i also dont like him just like no one likes candy hearts. then i thought of a bunch of really profound things to say but felt putting them in a card is lame. then i thought maybe i will write a love letter and put it inside. should it be this hard?

i finally decided to say: happy valentines day, love kerry. nuff said.

then i got up this morning an read his card:

Cover: So long someday, So long fear, So long maybe
Inside: Love is here

That alone, very very lame card.

his text: If i could give you the world, i would, but it still wouldn't show how much i truly love and cherish you. thank you for being so wonderful and loving. happy valentines day, love you with all my heart, Darin.

GRRRRRRRR.....i need to find a balance in my card. i used to be a writer. wish me luck +++

i wish you all a happy valentines day.

when these knees are a knocking

Yeah so i absolutely hate public speaking. There is this presentation i have to give for my job four times a year and for the week before it arrives my stomach gets weak. the last time i nearly passed out and couldnt even read the words on my power point. i was all "well you can see up there what we do..."

this time wasn't as bad but certainly wasnt joyful in any way. i looked at the same person during the entire duration. then i said my opening line at the end of my presentation. how lame. and it was a good line. very witty. very ess volunteer crowd appropriate. however, it made no sense coming at the end.

also, my back hurts. and no one cares. and there is a feeling-sorry-for-herself ten year old stomping around my house. AND i have pms. oh happy days.

its not that i forgot

i just haven't had the time to blog. honestly. what with christmas and new years. and then, well, january. i mean truly, who has got a spare minute these days? not i.

so some stuff has happened. some good. some bad. some indifferent.

first of all, remember that incident my grandfather had? well he gave in to his injuries and passed away on January 13th. one week after his 87th birthday and the very day of my neice's fourth birthday. there were a lot of hospital visits. lots of family fights. funeral arrangements. and then the funeral. only silver lining is that now he can meet up with his wife in heaven. i hope there is one or that nurse was feeding us a pack of lies. i am still sad. i cant look at their pictures without my eyes welling up. i have known them for thirty years. i knew it couldnt last forever but somehow i thought it would.

if we reverse time a bit, there was christmas. very tiring. mostly lovely. too many visits with family. i did get a beautiful $1000 white gold, .50 carat promise ring. that was nice. though i knew it was coming i didnt know what it would look like. pretty indeed.

with christmas also came the spending of far too much money. final tally between Darin and I, $3000. what were we thinking? so the next two weeks following xmas were quite dismal on the money front. lots of ketchup soup.

daughter spent one entire week with her father and his family. mostly disasterous. but a nice break for me. there were several phone calls begging to come home. i said, call me in the morning and if you still feel like that i will promptly pick you up. usually a good sleep put a skip in her step and she was ready to battle another day among her family of aliens.

fast forward to jan 26th. darin offically lives with us now. even though he did about 6-8 weeks ago, he was not paying and all of his broken boy toys had not been moved to my house. now i have a broken rocking chair to call my own, pictures of maryjane plants, and the real bonus a comfortable new queen size pillow top mattress.

move a head a day or two to Monday...only a few days past us now. met with new president of board of directors of the organization that currently signs my chqs. not for long they have informed me. as soon as he picked me up he says: okay i have to drop the bomb now and get this over with, the board has decided, by majority not unanimously, to reduce your hours from 35 to 30 and reduce pay by 20% as of april 1, 2007.

first i feel anger and i respond....well i wont do it. then i think, hmmm less hours that i like. how can i make the less pay work for me? well no one said this girl isnt busy saavy. i quickly struck a deal to work even less hours (27) with the same 20% wage cut. now i will work 9-2:30 and this way my child will no longer need daycare. suddenly, i lose $400 a month in pay but i cut out daycare cost of $300 a month. almost even now. then i remember Darin has moved in and will be paying half the rent and bills. why am i worrying so much. all is well.

we agree on the terms. too bad they don't know if my job will last for one month or six months, or one year. good thing i have other news for you.

me and bf have decided to make love not war. we are wearing our baby making hats now. no time like the present. we aint getting any younger. so we have officially been trying for three months. well this weekend was our third try. we shall see by midmonth if it took or not. so hopefully i wont care about this stinking job no more. i will just get pregnant, go on mat leave, and never look back.

later i will maybe do daycare from home? have another baby? freelance? who knows. life is short and the world is my oyster baby.